I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Two words: blizzard sex
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
