It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
