White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize