Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
why do cheetos always look like penises
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
