why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
