Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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