I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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