I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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