wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
