dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
