you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
