once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
