So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The air was thick with penises
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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