dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
