sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
