so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
