If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
