Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
