Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
