he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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