Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
