I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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