my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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