You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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