life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
