So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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