Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
