So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I need to calm my uterus...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
