I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
