All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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