Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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