shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
