moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
