I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
