I need to stop coming to work sober
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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