I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
