I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize