why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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