I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
