How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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