I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
