I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
