this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
