I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
