my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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