Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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