Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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