I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
