Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
