i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
