I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
