Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
