just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
