i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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